Screeeech!

Shreeeech. Yep. That is the sound in my head I awoke to. Not a bad dream, quite the opposite. I am throwing the brakes on myself. And doing an abrupt u-turn.

You see, I had it all wrong.
And...I had it all right.

Here's the problem: I was going to start my day, mixing and dehydrating, creating all the luscious raw-yummies I'd planned for the week... crackers, wraps, breads, cakes... just to replace my yearning to bake... and knowing that all those nuts and seeds in those dishes were going to skyrocket my fat-intake average through the roof! Bad, bad, bad!

I woke up, not dreaming about car wrecks and destruction as the day's post title might imply, but rather the foods I know it is going to take to heal me. Yep. I said that too. Heal. Me. Call it a renewed attitude.

Sunday, a friend said, "You just said two things I never want to hear out of your mouth again: "Suffering builds strength of character" and "You can't seem to heal yourself." She said, "From this moment you will choose to not suffer and you will start healing yourself." .. I wasn't uplifted by her encouragement, I was depressed that I was no longer the one saying those words to someone else.

Tuesday night, I was reading The Detox Miracle Sourcebook, in which Robert Morse says, "Attitude is crucial. Health should be fun and challenging, not a chore. You are rebuilding yourself to become new again. As you build self-discepline, it will be much easier for you to become whole and alive. Don't settle for less than robust health. Change yourself. Expand yourself. Keep it simple. And don't allow anyone to stop you. Become free of all disease." .. I fell asleep during the next page, which was so sad because that quote is so powerful .. but I wasn't ready to embrace it. Not yet. It would take a night of dreaming to put the puzzle pieces together.

Dreams are an amazing functionality of our brains. We have conversations with ourselves and others. If we are lucky we travel deeply enough to touch that divine part of ourselves and if we listen to the messages... magical things happen... even healing and transformation. I once always listened to my dreams. I always listened to my body... but that time seems so far away..

A few years ago several things changed in quick succession: personal losses, emotional losses, physical losses, mind-numbing grief followed... lifestyle and location changes... and then my eating habits changed drastically. I should have stayed centered. I should have stepped closer to the divine instead of retreating.

I allowed all of the loss and grief to take a toll on my mind and body... the result has been illness, in my case Rheumatoid Arthritis and a very grumpy digestive tract.  In my heart I know the truth of truths. I allowed disease to attack my body, and if I can allow myself to become ill, I can allow myself to become healed.

In this lifetime I have been called Sensei (karate), Guru (yoga), Master (reiki)... and by a select few... Mama Chia (after the the spiritual teacher in Sacred Journey of the Peaceful Warrior since I once recommended the book to every single person I met.) I have been a life coach, a spiritual guide, a prayer warrior. And somewhere along my life's journey I veered left and took a path (still in progress) that took me away from the goals and dreams I had prior... and filled those spaces with other dreams and goals. Looking at the whole of who I am you might think I am two distinct people. Sometimes I feel that way too.

This morning I'm coming to terms with who I was(am)... I may have retired from being a teacher/healer/guide/coach but that doesn't mean I can't teach myself/heal myself/guide myself/coach myself..
And the first thing I would tell my student would be to KISS IT - Keep It Simple Stupid. The second thing would be to lay out a performance plan and follow through. Here's the plan I came up with (based on the theory that anyone can do anything five days in a row.) For the next five days, I follow the plan. When I succeed I face the next five days and do it again.

Five Day Plan: (complete daily)

RAINBOW - eat something raw and fresh from every color of the rainbow
ALIVE - choose alive foods
SLEEP - eight hours, no more, no less
EXERCISE - 1 hour yoga, 1 brisk 20 minute walk
FEEL GOOD - do activities that make me smile - dance, sing, meditate
BE HAPPY - embrace momentary joys, read daily affirmations
CONNECT TO THE DIVINE - prayerful gratitude

Intuition tells me raw foods are the right plan at this time in my life; and it is up to me to have the will-power to step away from foods that aren't alive. Today I am (again) becoming purely accountable for my mental/physical/spiritual being. I choose to be strong and healthy again.